


aftermath

by aurokoi



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Shiro (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Lance (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Langst, M/M, Post S6, Self-Hatred, shangst, warning this fic makes no sense whatsoever because i wrote it before i knew better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:26:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22423306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aurokoi/pseuds/aurokoi
Summary: Guilt is a terrible, terrible thing.
Relationships: Lance/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 119





	aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a request I received a looooong time ago. Posted it to tumblr before I accidentally deleted my blog so I thought, hey, what the heck let's post it here too. Enjoy!  
> tumblr: lancedmcclain.tumblr.com

Out of all of his teammates, Shiro was the one paladin Lance had never known how to become closer to. They were teammates, yes, and knew each other relatively well. They had connected during their training exercises and hung out after winning a battle. But these were things that all the paladins did together. Deep down, Lance craved  _ something more _ ; he wanted to be trusted, wanted to  _ be sought out  _ by the former Black Paladin. He wanted to know things about Shiro no one else knew. 

So when Shiro - Kuron,  _ whoever  _ \- had reached out to  _ him,  _ and confided in  _ him _ , Lance felt that maybe this was his chance at something deeper. 

Lance knew it was selfish of him. It wasn’t Shiro’s fault for the way their relationship turned out. Hell, it was selfish of Lance to even be  _ thinking _ of himself when Shiro had very literally died and been brought back. 

But it  _ hurt.  _ Because he and Kuron had become close; it was gentle smiles and proud praises after successful mission. It was lingering gazes and standing closer than strictly necessary. It was long nights on the observation deck when neither of them could sleep, settled against each other underneath a single blanket. It was Shiro ( _ Kuron,  _ Lance reminded himself with frustration), that confided in him that something wasn’t right. 

At first it had caught him off guard, but over time it was something they both sought out. It was nice to be able to stand next to someone and be comforted by their presence alone. 

In the end, it just wasn’t enough. Lance had missed Shiro’s warning signs anyways. 

_ He called out for me in the astral plane, and I didn’t even know,  _ Lance couldn’t help thinking every time he looked at Shiro’s face,  _ I could’ve saved him.  _

The thought kept him awake at night.

He thought of the bags present under Keith’s eyes every morning, and the way Shiro had been noticeably eating less ever since he had woken up. There was a sharp pain in his chest, and he brought his knees up to tummy, feeling the sheets twist underneath him. 

_ I deserve this,  _ Lance told himself, throat constricting.  _ After all his suffering, I deserve it.  _

He clenched his eyes shut and let himself get lost under a wave of loathing.

_ He told you first. He trusted you, and you let him down.  _

_ You’re the reason he died.  _

* * *

Lance stepped out of his lion, feeling his joints ache and crack after the long journey. The planet they were currently settled on had a terrain that resembled Arus; rolling hills, strange glimmering flowers, and blue skies as far as the eye could see. They would stay and rest for a few hours before gearing up and setting off again.

Lance tried to remember a time where he didn't feel this tired. 

He leaned against one of the Blue Lion’s paws, sliding down until he was nestled on the soft grass. He could hear the others gather in the center of the circle made by their lions. Pidge chirped out a quick giggle over something Coran had whispered to her, the sound making Lance smile lightly. He listened to their chatter, letting the sounds his friends’ voices wash over his tense muscles. 

For now, they were all okay. 

Lance closed his eyes, and allowed himself to be comforted by this thought as he leaned his head against the paw of his lion. 

“Hey,” Shiro’s voice came from his right side. Lance’s eyes flew open and focused on Shiro’s figure, helmet tucked under his arm. His voice was gentle, and a little hesitant. 

It had been a few days since he had regained his consciousness. The other paladins had warmed up relatively quickly, given their circumstances, save for Lance. If he was being honest with himself, Lance had tried his hardest to avoid Shiro completely. 

“Coran ran the scans of the atmosphere and said we’re okay to take off our helmets.” Shiro informed helpfully, nodding his head towards Coran’s direction. 

Lance nodded numbly, eyes trained on the way the sunlight made Shiro’s dark eyes dance. 

_ Aren’t you mad at me?  _ He thought with a pang as his hands pulled his helmet over his head. The warm sunshine graced his scalp. 

He shifted his eyes to the ground, picking at the blades of grass absently as he tried to keep the pain in his chest at bay. Although he couldn’t see him, Lance knew Shiro was taking in his disgruntled appearance. He raised a hand to his ear self consciously, and brushed his hair behind it. 

“Lance,” Shiro drew his eyebrows together. “Is everything okay?” There was so much genuine  _ concern  _ in Shiro’s voice, and so much tenderness in the way Lance’s name fell from his lips, that very suddenly Lance found it hard to breathe. 

Lance coughed harshly, trying to dislodge the knot in his throat. “I’m fine,” He rushed to his feet, helmet clutched in his sweaty hands and backed away from Shiro without meeting his eyes. “I just realised I left something back in my lion,” He lied, and knocked against the metal of the Blue Lion. Immediately, she leaned down, mouth open, and Lance stepped inside. 

“Aren’t you going to eat anything?” Shiro called, a deep frown settling into his features. 

Lance laughed awkwardly. “Not hungry.”

“Lance -”

Before Shiro could even finish his sentence, Lance had closed himself away inside his lion, leaving Shiro behind in a field of purple flowers. 

* * *

Lance very quickly found that he could not face Shiro, no matter how hard he tried to appear indifferent. His distress was apparent from the way the bags hund under his eyes, and Shiro was nothing if not frustratingly observant. 

He had tried to talk to Lance a few more times after that. Every time, Lance had found some excuse to slide out of the conversation. Eventually, Shiro stopped trying to seek him out, but still shot him concerned glances every time they were in the same space. 

Somehow, that hurt more. 

So, Lance stopped trying to keep up with appearances. He would quickly grab his food, take it with him back into his lion, and eat his meals alone. He kept Kaltenecker with him while he ate, initially. It was nice, but Lance soon realised that she would rather be outside, in the open, so he let her graze the terrain with the others. 

There were some days where the mice (or Kosmo) would come by and keep him company. Those were the better days, in Lance’s opinion. Other times, when it was just him and Blue, he’d lay on his back with his eyes closed, and let the metallic hum calm him. 

Blue constantly nudged his consciousness, her presence worried for his well being, offering him love and warmth on the lonely days. 

He had evaded most conversations with the rest of the group, save the ones that had to do with tactical plans and training exercises. 

Then, the inevitable. 

They were beginning to run short on food. 

“We’re going to need to divide the scavenge amongst ourselves,” Allura frowned, looking down at their diminishing supply. “There’s barely enough food left to cover two days.” 

“I can go first.” Lance offered, raising his hand hesitantly.  _ More time to myself, right?  _

The entire team turned and looked at him with surprise, as if they hadn’t expected him to offer at all. 

Lance curled inwards slightly, his hand lowering. “Uh, is that okay?

Allura returned to herself. “Of course that’s alright,” She said. 

Lance nodded once, and stuck his hands into the pockets of his suit, absently kicking the dirt under his feet. No one said anything, and Lance hated,  _ hated,  _ the looks on their faces. 

“Right.” Lance said loudly, trying to break his own train of thought. “I’m going then.” He spun on his heel and all barely kept himself from practically running away. 

There were footsteps approaching him while he walked away from the rest of the ground. He recognised the familiar, strong tread, and walked a little faster. 

“Lance.” Shiro called from behind him, his speed also increasing. 

Lance pretended as if he didn’t hear him but all he could think about was Shiro calling out to him in the astral plane,  _ Lance! Lance, listen to me!  _

He clenched his jaw as the memory of Shiro’s wispy voice barged through his mind, his hands balled into fists. 

_ It’s your fault, it’s your fault - _

“Lance!” Shiro finally raised his voice, hand coming out to grab the lanky boy by his wrist. 

Lance stopped in his tracks, and whipped around to face Shiro. “ _ What,  _ Shiro?” 

“I’ll come with you.” He said, voice firm enough to leave no space for discussion. 

Lance tried anyways. He pulled his hand back, slightly more violently than he expected. He wrapped his arm around himself, clutching at the fabric on his hip. 

“No.”

Shiro seemed to be taken back. Allura frowned, eyebrows drawing together. “Lance, don’t be difficult.” 

“I said  _ no,  _ princess.” Lance snapped, and turned around to face his lion. “I can do it by myself.”

_ I can’t look at him I can’t look at him I can’t look at him. _

“We know you can do it yourself.” Shiro reasoned gently. “No one ever doubted that.”

“Shiro is going with you, Lance.” Allura concluded firmly. 

Lance felt like throwing a tantrum. 

“Whatever.” He mumbled, and trudged into his lion. 

* * *

Lance’s nerves were pulled taut with Shiro around. He made a point to avoid him as much as possible while they were confined the Blue Lion’s cockpit, but Shiro made that more and more difficult by constantly being at his elbow while he inspected the dashboard curiously. 

“I never noticed it before, but controls in the Black Lion are really different compared to the other lions.” He said, head cocked to the side as he ran a finger over the controls. 

Lance only hummed in response. 

Shiro dropped his finger. Instead, he came around to stand behind Lance’s seat, his hand braced on the armrest of Lance’s chair. 

Lance tried to ignore the way his heart beat erratically in his chest. This close to each other, Lance could see the dry skin on Shiro’s fingertips, and the scars criss-crossing over his knuckles from years in battle. He remembered their nights on the observation deck, gentle conversations pulling them together, emotionally and physically. 

Lance breathed deeply through his nose, and tried not to think about it. 

Shiro seemed to notice Lance’s muscles tensing and immediately straightened. “Sorry, am I crowding you?” He asked politely. 

Lance shook his head stiffly. His knuckles were white as he gripped the controls. 

Shiro took him in, and finally sighed. He seemed to physically deflate, and the firm captain Lance saw back on the planet seemed to just about ready to vanish. He looked hesitant, confused, and - Lance’s heart clenched painfully - also a little hurt. 

There was an oppressive beat of silence. 

“I just…” Shiro began quietly, shifting from foot to foot. “I just wish I knew what was wrong. Did I do something to hurt you? Back when I was…” He trailed off, the name  _ Kuron  _ hanging from his lips. 

Lance couldn’t help but risk a glance over at him, heartstrings tugging painfully. There was something in Shiro’s voice, a tinge of desperation and panic, that undid the locks around his heart. 

_ My fault. It’s my fault.  _

“What did I do wrong.” He said again, turning to face Lance fully. And Lance knew from the way his eyes were twisted that he was hurting, and hurting  _ bad.  _

“I-It isn’t you.” Lance’s voice sounded tight, and too quiet for comfort. He opened his mouth to say something further, before deciding against it and clamping it shut again. 

“Then  _ what _ ?” Shiro finally seemed to cave, his shoulders protracting as he slumped against the wall. “I think about it every night, why you refuse to talk to me, refuse to even be in the same  _ room  _ as me. I keep thinking that maybe it was because of everything that happened with the witch and....” He trailed off in frustration, his hand coming up to comb through his hair. Lance unwound his fingers from the controls, and dropped his hands into his lap. He bit his lip and leaned his head against the headrest in defeat, eyes trained on the ceiling. 

“I’m sorry, Lance.” Shiro’s voice sounded as tight as his now. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“It’s not you.” Lance repeated, blinking away the moisture from his eyes. He felt his guilt bubbling against his mouth, words ready to jump as soon as he opened the gate. A tear escaped, then another on the other side, until there was a steady stream dripping down his cheeks. “I-It’s not you. It was never you.” He choked out, bringing a hand up to the visor of his helmet to cover his face. 

Shiro was at his side almost immediately, his weight shifting to one knee as he brought himself lower. His hand was pressed firmly against Lance’s back, warm and so  _ reassuring  _ it made Lance lean back, just a little, so he could feel it a little more. 

“Lance,” Shiro whispered. “Please. Talk to me.”

“How can you even stand to be around me?” Lance whispered back, voice quivering. “After everything that happened?”

“What?”

Lance whipped around in his seat to face Shiro’s eyes, dropping his hand back onto his lap and clenching it into a fist. “How can you stand to be around me? After I failed?”

Shiro’s stiffened, eyes widening. He looked as if he was about to say something, but Lance cut him off. 

“All this time I couldn’t stop wondering why it happened this way! We got so much closer, and I thought, maybe,  _ maybe,  _ I might be gaining your trust. And I was! But it didn’t matter because I couldn’t even help you when you asked for it!”

Shiro felt cold all over. “Lance. I trust you. I do,”

It didn’t seem to reassure him. “But  _ why?  _ Shiro, I’m -” He hiccupped, and brought his knees up to his chin. “I’m the reason you  _ died _ .” 

Lance’s words hung in the air. 

He pressed his helmet into his thighs, arms coming around to wrap around his knees as he breathed harshly against his visor. Without the guilt bottled inside him, he felt empty. 

Shiro’s heart hurt, hurt to see Lance in this way, and hurt knowing the amount of sadness he had kept inside of him the past couple of weeks. 

He brought his hand up the side of Lance’s neck, fingers pushing the hard material over his jaw, and eventually over his head. Shiro set the helmet down on the floor beside him. 

Lance still had his eyes closed, and make no effort against Shiro’s movements. He felt warm fingers on the side of his face, trailing up and weaving through his hair and down to the nape of his neck. Then, Shiro straightened on his knees and pulled Lance’s thin body against his own.

“It’s not your fault.” Shiro said softly, playing with the hair at the base of Lance’s skull. “You didn’t know. I never wanted to make you feel that way.” 

Before Shiro could brace himself, he found Lance’s arms around his neck, his nose pressed against the crook of his neck as Shiro’s arm came up to engulf him. 

“I let you die, Shiro.” Lance choked. “I let you die.”

Shiro felt his own eyes mist at Lance’s broken tone. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what was happening. It’s not your fault,” And before he knew it, he had pressed his lips under the curve of his sharp jaw. He held Lance, rocking him back and forth, until his short, jagged breaths had levelled out. 

“I trust you. You did everything you could. It’s not your fault, Lance… it’s not your fault…”

When he was sure Lance was breathing normally, he leaned back and raised a hand to Lance’s face and swiped away the tears from under his lower lashline. 

“I’m sorry.” Lance repeated in a hush. “I never wanted to see you get hurt in that way.”

Shiro’s hand fell away, and settled on Lance’s jaw. “It wasn’t you that hurt me.”

Lance closed his eyes and raised his hand to cover Shiro’s, pressing a lingering kiss on his palm. “I’m still sorry.”

Shiro touched his forehead against Lance’s. “I don’t want you to be.”

Slowly, Lance laced his hands behind Shiro’s neck. “Have I ruined things?” He asked, voice barely audible. 

Shiro’s voice was impossibly soft. “Of course not.” 

Lance sniffed. “I’m sorry I was being such a jerk to you.”

Shiro pressed a tender kiss to the corner of Lance’s mouth. “You were dealing with a lot, I understand that. But talk to me next time, okay?” 

Lance nodded. “I missed this.” He admitted tearfully. 

“I missed you.” Shiro replied bluntly, earning a watery giggle from Lance. 

He felt Lance’s hands travel to cup his jaw as he pulled away to focus on him with his beautiful blue eyes, swimming with emotion. “Don’t leave me ever again.”

Shiro smiled against Lance’s skin. “You couldn’t get me to even if you tried.”


End file.
